17 5 / 2013
5-17-13
I hate that people try to tell me what I did or did not do. People always feel they know everything about me and the decisions that I make or have made. I feel that is inappropriate, one can’t speak on something if they aren’t in that situation. That is like me trying to tell a parent how to dispcline their kid knowing good and damn well I have no children of my own nor do I know how that particular child acts 24/7. People are always offering up their advice on certain situations and sometimes I am thankful for the advice and sometimes I wish they would just shut the fuck up!!!! Because seriously do they not think that I don’t know how screwed up my fucking life is?? Like come on son, I am far from dumb, I may not be a Rhodes Scholar but I damn sure not a fucking naive 25 year old. Do you honestly think I want to be 25 with no jog, no car, no place of my own, umm hell no!!! I had my whole life mapped out I wanted to be a teacher by the time I was 23 and hopefully in a serious relationship by now, welp neither one of those are occurring. But I don’t appreciate people throwing that shit up in my face, especially when they don’t know my struggle at all or they only know a tiny little piece of the pie. Like seriously lets calculate how many of these people are me at this particular moment: oh I got it ZERO!!! Instead, people still feel as if they are. Don’t get me wrong I love the people but I just can’t deal with the negativity. Let me explain what my definition of negativity is, anything or anyone who isn’t uplifting me!!! Because trust and believe I am my own worst enemy, critic so therefore I know what I am lacking, and I make no qualms about it. People really do not know how many nights of cried and prayed for a better future for me and it has gotten me nowhere. People also have this notion that I blame other people for my downfalls, BITCH PLEASE I take complete responsibility for every fucked situation I’ve encountered in my life and a few of them are definitely not my fault but blaming others isn’t not going to help me get past it so what is the damn point?? I also get sick of people saying that everything will be ok when GOD sees fit, umm is it part of his plan to taker a person to their lowest of their lows? Because if so I might need to change religions because baby I have been through hell and back. The shit I’ve been through would even shame the devil!!! Through it all I always tried my best to keep my head on straight, not become a low down type of person, but what do I get in return?? More fucking struggle!! Im not to fond of that and it is only so much a person can take let alone a broken person. I m a closed book for a reason because I don’t want anyone to take pity upon me or use anything as leverage. There have been so many nights I have cried out of frustration, because there was nothing else I could do. I fucking graduated from high school and undergrad in decent amount of time, I’ve put in I know for a fact over 275 resumes while being a full time student but guess what Im still unemployed!!!! Yep I am, companies don’t want to take a chance on someone who doesn’t have experience in the field which they are applying for. I’m sorry that is just the way it works. Hell, I can’t even get a job at fucking McDonalds or Starbucks. My hopes can only go so far. Im not going to continuously get my hopes for something and keep being let down, sorry my life doesn’t work like that. That is like hoping my father to apologize for molesting me or hoping that my ex will apologize for beating the shit out of me more than once, it just aint gon happen!!! Whoop te fucking doo, it’s life but I won’t let people tear me down. I do that enough to myself. I sit around enough beating myself up because I am not where I want or should be. I guess it would be okay if after I graduated in 2011 I sat around and done nothing instead of going to grad school in an attempt to make myself more marketable and to keep from wasting valuable time. But at this point im starting to just feel useless and fed up with other people’s opinions. Everyone has one and I guess it is true they are just like assholes because babyee they are everywhere!! I feel as if people should not speak on things if they are not in that situation. Because it is easy to say, what one should have or could have done when you’re not in it, but once you are it is a whole different ball game. I do not feel people have ill intent when they voice their opinion’s but it does come off as insensitive and misguided. I do feel all people have the best intentions at heart but sometimes it doesn’t come off that way. Because honey I promise you this is not a situation that I want for myself or anyone else. I want to be independent and doing shit for myself, but I guess that aint what God sees fit. How many more times am I going to have to fail before I finally succeed in life? It’s a great question that I just don’t have the answer to. Maybe I will never know the answer but I will steady my foundation once again!!! Honey because it has so many cracks it and that maybe why I’m so cold, that it is about to crumble, and once it does there is no coming back. I feel like I’m done with this entry. I think I’ve cried out every ounce of water that I’ve consumed today. Maybe I will feel better after some sleep.
